Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Cancer Diva Adventures: Fairy Tales in the Windy City


I feel like Alice going down the rabbit hole.  "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."  Or perhaps Cinderella, and the clock is striking midnight . .  my dancing at the ball is ending.  Actually, Dorothy was always my favorite. I even played Dorothy in the 1984 USC Law School production of the "Wizard of Laws", even wrote the script with other irreverents, inspired by cheap pitchers of beer [that $1.99 Summer Special handwritten sign was posted all three years I was there . . ], cute red kitten heel pumps, and a plethora of odd professors.  I'm far from a farm girl, but I do have a cute dog and great shoes.

Can I click my heels together now and go home, away from Cancerland? 

What sort of reality am I in now, anyway?
A reality where my arm is wrapped up in bandages that look like a bad 4th grade art project. Where my wrapped arm attracts the most attention and questions: "what happened? A fight with a tiger?" "Skiing accident?" "Does the other guy look worse?" Best proposed reply:  "I'm trying out for Les Mis." Best end of evening fatigued response: "my arm does not have cancer, but the rest of me does."
"Oh." Real answer: lymphedema.  My lymph nodes under my right arm are no longer fully functioing because 11 were removed along with my lumopectomy in 2010.  Although I sincerely appreciate the caring, I am SO tired of explaining it; I feel like I must have told a thousand people already. Weirdest question this week at cocktail reception: "do you sleep in a chair? No, do you eat dinner on a freakin' bus?? 

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue . . . .  and the dreams that you dare to dream . . . . .
A reality where medical leave has ended and I'm back at work. "So, all rested up?" "Good time off?" "You look great." Well, actually, a) not too bad, b) blood tranfusion last week helped, c) it's all smoke & mirrors, d) I dont know how I am, e) I'm OK, thanks, how 'bout you?

There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby . . . 
 
A reality where a medical expert at a talk last week said patients [like me] should stay on chemo forever to achieve the longest overall survival. Where I spend countless hours researching and reading and trying to understand my disease, and the more I read, the more I realize that no one knows very much yet.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops . . . .

A reality where I am in meeting after meeting by day at our international convention of thousands, and reception after reception in the evening, and don't quite feel like I fit in anywhere, even though I've done this dozens of times before. Where the peacefulness of a solo hotel room can be isolating.    Where I am flying home in a few days in time for a petscan, which will result in news of my next steps and treatment. Where  I'm meeting with a doc @ Johns Hopkins next week about potential participation in a clinical trial of a breast cancer vaccine. Where steps are to be determined and taken one at a time. Where I'm not sure what I'm doing after Friday, three days from now.

Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behiiind meeee. . . . .

Sleeping beauty, maybe. Maybe it's all a dream. A prince will be coming to kiss me any moment now. Any day now. Really, I'm waiting.  I am hopeful. 

. . . skies are blue . . and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true . . .

I feel different. I don't know what or how I feel. Uncertain. Foggy. Vulnerable. My mind is on the the all-cancer-all-the-time-channel. I'm a one-trick pony, at risk of being boring. Neither boring nor cancer are in my training.

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow . . . .

There is no GPS for this stage. No mapquest. It's uncharted for me, and I'm just beginning to grasp that it is uncharted for everyone. No rule book. As much an art as a science. It's all about educated guessing.

 I want to go back. There's no place like home. There's no place like home . . . . There's no place . . .
Cdiva

4 comments:

  1. "My mind is on the the all-cancer-all-the-time-channel." I can't change the channel for you but I can pick up prescriptions. Do you get them filled at th CVS @ McKinley/Connecticut? let me know -- I'm happy to help.

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  2. The inclusion of the 1984 production of "Over the Rainbow" brought back some REALLY fond memories. Thanks, Peace & Love. Don.

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  3. This is great writing straight from the gut. Thank you. Kathy

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  4. I agree with anonymous Kathy!

    -- Anonymous Mark

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